is ali G the model townie
A townie is normally aged between 11 and 15. Listens to so-called 'garage' music such as Blazin' Squad and So Solid Crew, neither of which is REAL garage music; simply pop music with a stammering kid in fake diamonds fronting the band.
A townie will normally dress in grubby shell-toed Nike trainers, rolled-up Adidas tracksuit bottoms and an unmatching jogging top, regardless of the sex.
If female, the jogging jacket will most likely be pink or baby blue, most likely purchased for £5 at the local market and will have the word 'PRINCESS', 'BABE', 'BLING BLING' or 'FCUK' spelt out in white across the front.
If male, the townie's jogging top will most likely be white with blue sleeves, again purchased for £5 at a market; and will have the name of an American city spelt out across the front, ie. 'BOSTON', 'DETROIT', or 'CUBA'; ..despite the fact that these creatures are not intelligent enough to know where the places they advertise on their chests are. Most, upon asking, will not even realize that 'BOSTON' is a city.
A townie will often smoke because "it's alrigh', innit?". All townies own at least one item of clothing with the disgusting beige/brown Burberry print upon it. Obviously, this garment is not genuine Burberry, and instead of the £400 charged for a real Burberry bag/scarf, will have been purchased for £1.50 down the local market.
A female townie will have poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots, gelled back into an impossibly tight bun/ponytail held by a fake Burberry hair-tie. The ears will also be adorned with at least three fake gold earrings ("only two quid fer eigh' pairs dahwn 'a marke'") and will have some form of acne, vainly covered up by layers upon layers of cheap foundation, blue eyeshadow and neon blusher. Eyes will also be caked with smudged eyeliner and clumpy blue mascara.
A male townie will not wear make-up, but will normally have a diamanté stud in one ear and boast that he did it himself.
All townies look down upon anyone who:
A) is intelligent
B) has a future that doesn't involve the words 'McDonald's drive-thru'
C) owns an item of black clothing
D) doesn't listen to So Solid Crew
E) doesn't smoke
F) doesn't have a forced Cockney accent
G) shows ANY sign of refusal to conform to the masses; ie. INDIVIDUALITY.
"'Orrigh'," replied the other townie.
Other word/s for townie: scum.
Normal Person: You are scum.
They clad themselves in burberry, nike, adidas, umbro and avirex clothing, the males anyway. They always smell like stolen Hugo Boss aftershave, or at least the stolen, cheap, knock off market version of Hugo Boss. The males all follow an alpha male, they imitate his trends and language, in my area the words to desbribe a good looking female are "buff" or "tick" if something is good or acceptable it is "safe" and your friend is your "blood" often pronounced "blud" they will often pick on anyone with black clothing, spiky hair or baggy jeans, but will only attack in groups of 10 or more, if their "crew" isn't present (probably off stealing fake burberry, or dealing flour) they will stand at a safe range and hurl insults like "goff" "mosha" "grunga" or the ever popular "I fucked ur mum!" these insults should be shrugged off, however if you feel the need to retaliate, I recommend these:-
In response to "goff", "mosha" or "grunga" - Yes I am a <enter above instult here> and I need to know if you want me to sacrifice your soul to satan now or later.
In response to "I fucked your mum!" - My mum's dead, or if your mother is dead (sorry if I offended) and you are a male, you should respond with leave my mum out of this and I'll leave this out of your mum, and point to your crotch.
So those are the townie insults, not too good eh? To be honest baby townies are smarter and make for better conversation than their older "bloods" however they must develop into townie children, then townie teenagers.
Now, townie fashion is always the same, they try as hard as they can NOT to be an individual, they always wear baby blue, white or navy blue, they don't do black, it's too "goffick" they will always wear the following things.
Tracksuit bottoms, these make an annoying "swish swish" sound when the townies walk, these trousers will usually be tucked into white socks, which then lead to white "Reebok Classics" which are kept a blinding white colour to make people think they just stole...I uh mean...no I mean stole them. The top of the body will usually be clad in a polo shirt, usually stolen from Mr. Nickelson or Mr. McKenzie, both of whom have awful fashion sense, the head is adorned by one diamonte stud and a burberry cap, tilted at a ridiculous angle, thus making it useless when it comes to blocking sun.
Winter wear consist of dark green, navy blue or grey coats with ANNOYING UGLY FUR AROUND THE HOODS.
The females will wear zip up jackets, with one half of a random word or place on either side, these consist of Brooklyn, Princess, FCUK or New York, also under these are tanktops of such brand names as Von Dutch (the next FCUK, just you wait) or indeed the infamous FCUK, they think it's funny, because it's almost fuck, but not quite.
On the bottom they will usually wear AWFUL denim skirts, which cover about one tenth of their thighs, meaning if the townie girl farts the skirt will reveal all...not a pretty site, or they will wear tight TIGHT jeans, with words spread over their overly large rear ends, words like PRINCESS are usually displayed by sewn on sequins, when these sequins start to fall off they can leave the word "PRINCE" which can be worth a laugh.
The feet, these are now always adornes by those AWFUL, BAGGY TOPPED, FAKE SUEDE Ug boots, you know the ones, they kind of hang from halfway up the shins and look terrible, if wearing jeans the female townie will tuck her jeans into these boots, once again looking awful.
The face, female townies have no face, they have a sculpture of awful make up, built up layer after layer to disguise any uglyness, when it does in fact, the EXACT opposite, the ears will have large gold hoops, well not real gold, gold plated, but it's ok, they all fall for it anyway, they also wear awful clown pendants, a large gold chain with a large, posable "gold" clown encrusted with "jewels" I think this happened at a young age when an adventurous townie (HA!) got a toy clown, spray painted it cold and stuck sequins to it, then glued it to some string and wore it around their necks to ward off "goffs" now it's a fashion statement.
Winterwear is the same as the males, but in pink and a burberry scarf and gloves...fucking morons...
So, there's the fashion, now the culture...or rather the LACK of culture.
Townies prize physical displays of strength, mouthing off to someone from 20 yards away qualifies well, they will attack only in groups of 10 or more, they listen to RnB, Hip Hop, Rap, Garage and dance, anything with an electronic beat and bass line deep enough to cause structural damage is acceptable, this is usually played from their old cars, half rusted buckets of trash which have tribal vinyls on them or cheap rusted body kits, the townies hate anyone who isn't a fellow townie, but they are easily outsmarted, however after talking to one, one can feel slightly more stupid than before, prolonged exposure will eat your brain cells and turn you townie, avoid at all costs.
So remember kids, townies dress awful, smell awful and talk awful, they have desicrated the english language, but we do have our agents.
My best friend wears townie clothing, however he does not wear burberry, or tuck his trousers into his socks, he wears track suit bottoms and a brand name t-shirt, thanks to this the townies accept him, and this means I go generally unbothered.
"Hey, you there in the black clothing, I dont like the looks you're giving me"
"Would you like to engage me in hand to hand contact"
Remember, dont do drugs, dont smoke, drink on special occaisions and you'll be fine, if you notice yourself becoming a townie, kill yourself, it's for the good of man, thank you.
"so where are you from?"
"oh I'm a townie"
1. Uses the phrase "Ya Mum" as an insult
2. Thinks that it is cool/hard to use various words beginning with F and S
3. Listens to "Phat Beats" - Blazin Squad, So Solid Crew, Jay-Z (or whatever) etc.
4. Drives a Car such as a Vauxhall Nova or Ford Escort or similar which has A body kit, lowerred suspension, large exhaust, and a huge Subwoofer in the boot to make sure that everyone can hear their "Phat Beats"
5. Has a stupid nickname such as "Jubba" or "Staples"
6. Steals mobile phones
7. Wears "Bling Threads"
8. Walks in a stupid, exaggerated way
9. Has a fundamental disability to pronounce the letter "H"
10. Smokes all the time whilst doing the above
11. Is challenged by a lack of immagination
12. Has a Helly Hansen "Puffer Jacket"
13. Has gelled blonde (dyed) hair
The male of the species tend to be called 'Gav', 'Gaz', 'Baz', 'Nat' or 'Matty'. He tends to have a shaved head, to make him look 'rock 'ard, innit', or in modern English, tough. Although townies are racist towards asians, they accept black people into their 'crew', and the black townies tend to bleach their hair yellow (blonde). Their hides tend to consist of (fake) Burberry caps, hoodies over the top, with the hood constantly up, matching tracksuit bottoms with the lines down the side, and white trainers. They also tend to wear plastic rings from the 20 pence (British money) plastic jewelry vending machines. They buy all their 'bling' or 'heavy shit' with money stolen from their parents or 5-year-olds which they beat up, money found on the floor, or from drug dealing and their girlfriends' prostitution, which brings me onto the female of the species.
Female townies tend to be named after dolls, or celebrities such as 'Britney' or 'Jordan' (Americans, Jordan is a page 3 model famous for her massive big tits). There are two types of female townie. There is the Stripy Pink Townie and the Half Naked Townie. The stripy pink townie wears a white tracksuit top with 'Babe' on the front in bright pink text with pink stripes down the sleeves, and cheapest of the cheap matching white jogging bottoms with pink stripes down them, all of this of course, with the cheap white trainers. The half naked townie wears very little. She wears a 2-inch long skirt, knee-high boots and tight bra-tops. They are sluts, and are usually prostitutes. The two types of female have alot of things in common, however. They both wear hoop-earings with a diameter of 2 meters, they both wear cheap makeup and perfume which smells of fresh assjuice, they are all blonde with huge dark roots, even the natural blonde townies have 9-inch roots.
All townies travel in groups of 50 to about 80. They beat up anything which moves, however they don't fight alone, for instance it will take them all to beat up a couple of 7-year-olds and steal their money. There are usually under-10s in the group of townies, usually the sons and daughters of the 11-year-old townies. The offspring will usually see you coming, run back to the group of townies and tell them that you were picking on them, quite basically, they are all little shits. As the big townies start shouting abuse at you, the little townies will usually finish their fathers' sentences with "yeah!", "go on, Gav, beat the shit out of the fucker" or "yer fuckin' dead ya knob 'ed". All townies smoke. It's not an option. The strange creatures seem to live on nicotine rather than oxygen, scientists still want to investigate this, but they can't get too close to capture a townie without getting spat at or beat up. If you hear "WHAT YOU WALKIN' AWAY FOR?", "WHAT YOU FUCKIN' LOOKIN' AT?" or "DON'T YOU FUCKIN' IGNORE ME!", it is a good chance that within 30 seconds, you will be chased by a bunch of 50 or so male townies on bikes which they got for Christmas when they were 5 years old, spitting and swearing. Townies never actually beat anyone up, but they spit and throw things so be warned.
"I dealt some of ma shit today to dese mothafuckas and i used tha dough to buy dis fuckin gold ring!"
"Whoa, that shit's heavy, bruv!"
"Yeah look, the gold fuckin rubs off in case ya want it to be silver!"
"That's fuckin heavy shit bruv!"
2. A college-aged person who never leaves the town in which, they went to high school in and they do not work attend any form of college.
3. A local, or person who lives in their place of birth.
2. You're 22 and doing nothing! You're a townie bum!
3. My dad was born in Boston, we're townies.